songs for you, truths for me

some people are good at constructing neat lines and walls and boundaries, monitoring the pace of their relationships as if they were hooked up to hospital machinery. they have solid hearts that can be cut and given away in puzzle pieces that fit neatly with others. pieces that return to their boxes when the game's over.

not me. my heart runs and bleeds chaotically as it wishes, like a ribbon of blood disseminating in a pool of water. it's a mesmerizing sight... until you realize that you've spilled something that can never be recovered.

restless

i can tell i am, when it's 11pm and i feel like it's past my bedtime. because i'm tired. because i woke up this morning at an ungodly hour after tossing and turning all night. waking up from borderline nightmares, at times wishing i was actually in them. repeat x everyday for the past two weeks. something is wrong.

mentally, my brain is scattered. trying to sit at a desk and do work while thinking about organizing my desk. running errands at the post office while thinking about the next photo set i have to edit. physically, i'm alternately super buzzed/super lethargic. emotionally... well. kindness, patience, and tolerance certainly aren't at the forefront of my mind right now.

i asked for discipline and this is how i'm going to get it. learning that discipline is inseparable between my emotional, mental, and physical being. and with that realization comes the fact that i have no excuse to be lazy in any part of my life.

and so... for the sake of my sanity:
1) mornings at the park. they've been my refuge and source of peace, but sometimes it is a discipline to get there right after waking up.
2) stop with facebook and twitter. i would have closed facebook already if it weren't for client stuff. it's killing me.
3) reading.
4) no meat for the rest of may, barring special occasions ie. birthdays, family dinners

ughhh my goodness, i need to get myself back.