what i talk about when i talk about love

it's crazy how at the age of 24 i sometimes catch myself thinking i know everything there is to know about love. it takes barely a rustle in the wind to show me how obviously wrong i am, all the time.

i get these questions all the time: "is there someone?" "do you like him?" "have you gone on a date?" and for the first time in my life, i can't answer any questions with a straight answer. not that i haven't had complicated... situations in the past, but usually even complicated relationships can be at least summarized simply. any kind of understanding of what i'm going through now would require an afternoon of coffee, and then maybe hard liquor.

i have always stood by the idea that love can be the simplest thing. and i guess i still do. it's just that i had largely ignored the breadth of emotions that stop just short of it. the last time, i loved so wholeheartedly that nothing on my side was confusing. sure it was messy in a multitude of other ways, but i knew exactly where i stood. now, it's realizing that emotional attachment does not necessarily, but may, translate into romantic chemistry; that romantic interest can be gauged on a very wide scale; that an intense and instantaneous connection does not translate into any kind of relationship compatibility. in other words, i'm a little jaded.

i can't shake the feeling that we've dived into the deep end without learning how to swim...

stranger

you know how they say sometimes you wake up and don't recognize the person next to you at all? that the person you married disappeared somewhere along the way, and suddenly you realize you're sleeping next to a stranger?

i loved you for so long that i didn't notice that the person you were is gone. at times i still get a hint of your former self, but mostly i can barely recall your face. and now, from an unbearable distance away, i'm still grasping at your empty shell; a shadow of who you were.

i spent so much of my short adulthood loving you that i barely know how to be without it. it fueled so much of who i became--my hopes and dreams, my fears and insecurities. the truth is, i'm a little lost without you. but i'll learn.

i think i could cry.

i thought i backed up my starlaced.net blog but i didn't. so i lost a year's worth of posts, including everything i wrote while i was in hong kong. i'm so sad.. now i'm already starting to forget all the stuff that happened there.

sad.

sometimes i think that tiny twinkling lights in the sky are some of the most wondrous things a person can ever encounter.

oh crap, its already mid august. i've gotten out of the habit of blogging regularly and it's hard to remember to do it.

summer flew by and then came to an abrupt halt, and now it's inching along at a painful pace. i'm in class now, my last class ever of my undergraduate career, and it could not be more boring. life in san diego is definitely lazy. the days are spent lounging around watching friends endlessly on dvd, hanging out in bookstores, basking under the sun. campus is empty and you can actually hear leaves rustling in the middle of the day, even in the lightest of breezes. it's pleasant. for about an hour, before i ache to be surrounded by some life again.

at least the summer's had a bunch of mini-trips and they've been really really fun and relaxing. san francisco with the eap kids was such a blast.. tahoe was beautiful and tranquil and just the most perfect getaway.. and this past weekend hanging out in laguna with the girls was so much fun. i'll try to remember to put pictures up soon.

anyway this bit will be over soon enough and then i get to look forward to a week in oregon and then a week in new york with angie. YAY! im so excited.

oh, and i hope i get a job soon. :T

cheers!