day 12

dear __________,

sometimes i catch a wayward glance and i ask, "what?" you just shake your head. sometimes you catch me staring off into space and you ask, "what?" i smile and say "nothing."

i'm so accustomed to the person you are now that it takes me a considerable amount of effort to remember the person you were. when you grow up with someone, your relationship evolves on such a micro level that you don't realize anything has changed. until, occasionally, something--a song on the radio, a waft of cologne--triggers a memory, and you see it.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to not know you anymore. would i ever think about you? would i still miss you? would it still hurt to hear your name? would i be remembering it all wrong?

i'm happy i know you as we are now. because i feel nothing. because once upon a time, i felt a whole lot worse than nothing, and i really didn't know if i was ever going to recover.

and now, when i don't think i'm ever going to recover from this chronic sadness, i might pull up that song from the radio, remember that i healed, and know that i can heal again.

thank you, because i couldn't know that without you.

love,
me.

while we're being honest

just returned from seven weeks of traveling, the longest i've spent on the road so far. and it's been really hard to adjust back into normal life (whatever that even means for me). i'm really not satisfied with the same routine anymore. it's good, though, because i'm consistently questioning myself why i do certain things, and making sure i only make priorities of the things i really care about. it sounds so cliche but it is SO easy to get distracted by daily life, and we start to forget about the things we're really passionate about.

so i decided i'm committed to doing more of:
-writing/journaling
-spending time outdoors
-taking valuable but inconvenient opportunities
-meeting people who are different from me
-spending time with people i really care about
-reading

less of:
-social networking
-going back to places i'm familiar with
-random/purposeless hangouts

when i get in these moods, i always like to pull out the journals from the shelves (or out of the archives) and read them. and unexpectedly some of the entries actually made me tear up. i've always said that forgetting is one of our most important defense mechanisms, and i can really see how it's true. if it hadn't been immortalized in writing, i'd have forgotten that the feeling of heartache isn't new to me.

one thing that hit me was that i was SO much more introverted before. and as such, a lot more in tune with my own feelings. i thought being more extroverted made me happier, but i just realized that i've been treating people like a drug. i thought being alone made me tired, but i think it just forces me to face this deep sadness that i still have over things that happened years ago. i can forget about that when i'm with people. i don't know what to do with that revelation. not sure i would trade ignorant bliss for self-awareness.

remembering the sound

remembering the sound of your voice is difficult. it's like remembering a dream after it's long over--i'm not really sure if i'm remembering it correctly, or if i'm giving it attributes of my own, trying to piece it together from patches of memories.

and so, hearing it for real. is an indescribable sensation. something like falling back into a dream i had as a child, and knowing that entire dream world like the back of my hand, even though it's been years. it's a shock, at first, and then it's as familiar and intimate as the shirt i sleep in.

your genuine laughter, your gentle assurance, the way you think out loud, the way you speak so softly sometimes i have to be in silence to hear you over the line. the distance between us is great but you cross that chasm easily with your voice. and you don't even know it.

letters

from tumblr. unwritten letters. i think i'll start doing these here.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

before i knew better

don't know where to put you anymore
you can't be kept inside my dresser drawer
i find the pieces of you in my dreams
and in the evenings
spill out the edge of my mind.
memories of you feel like they're miles wide
it's all i can do to get to the other side
of these evenings

can't see myself back beside you
but i see nobody else
nobody's perfect but i'm perfectly happy to keep on
bringing this love down off the shelf.

better off, i couldn't say if i'd be better off without a love i live without anyway