The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living.
lately something has been nagging me. i consider myself to be the kind of person who thinks very deeply and abstractly; sometimes i am so deep in my thoughts that i forget or neglect the things that are going on around me. honestly this makes casual social interaction a little awkward, if only because i'm pretending to be interested in meaningless small talk. sometimes when i'm talking to someone, i'm wondering what's going on inside their heads. and it frustrates me that we mediate so much of what we say. then again, at times i sincerely wonder if other people think about things as much as i do. on a certain level i'm sure we all do, but i wonder if it's common that it bleeds into our daily lives.
and so i resorted to trusty myers-briggs; if nothing else, to get some comfort in knowing that there are others that suffer the same twisted loneliness of thought that i do. that's partially why i'm so restless at home. everyone is in their safe harbor of home, where you can get away with not being real with each other, and no one wants to disturb that.
something that is enticing about travel is that you're immediately taken out of that mode of thinking. without a comfort zone or safety net, anything goes. you're liberated to be and say whatever you want, and no one will wonder "where did that come from?" unusual experiences trigger emotions and reactions in yourself that you didn't know you had, and the person who shares that with you is instantly bonded to you in a totally unique way. perhaps that's why it's so easy to pick up where i left off with people that i've met on travels.
i know it is the cross i have to take up in this season of life -- being satisfied with where i am and finding the beauty in what's around me.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
superman
i wonder if he knows how much that i miss him
and i hang on every word you say
you smile and say how are you
and i say just fine
i always forget to tell you i love you
i love you forever
i watch superman fly away
you've got a busy day today
to save the world
i'll be around
something in his deep brown eyes has me saying
he's not all bad like his reputation
i can't hear one single word they say
and you'll leave, got places to be
and i'll be okay
i always forget to tell you i love you
i loved you from the very first day
and i watch you fly around the world
and i hope you don't take some other girl
don't forget, don't forget about me
i'm far away but i'll never let you go
don't forget, don't forget where i'll be
right here wishing the flowers were from you
wishing the call was from you
cause i loved you from the very first day
i'll be right here on the ground
when you come back down
-ts
and i hang on every word you say
you smile and say how are you
and i say just fine
i always forget to tell you i love you
i love you forever
i watch superman fly away
you've got a busy day today
to save the world
i'll be around
something in his deep brown eyes has me saying
he's not all bad like his reputation
i can't hear one single word they say
and you'll leave, got places to be
and i'll be okay
i always forget to tell you i love you
i loved you from the very first day
and i watch you fly around the world
and i hope you don't take some other girl
don't forget, don't forget about me
i'm far away but i'll never let you go
don't forget, don't forget where i'll be
right here wishing the flowers were from you
wishing the call was from you
cause i loved you from the very first day
i'll be right here on the ground
when you come back down
-ts
Everything Reminds Me of You
Dizzy.
That’s how you feel when you run into a significant other you haven’t seen in a long time. A bitter avalanche of icy memories plows into your chest at breakneck speed, stealing the very breath from your lungs. Gasping for air, there’s really no use fighting it; the blow is instantaneous and it’s overpowering. Your eyes land on this person, your heart immediately stops dead, your knees go weak and you internally panic. You force yourself to walk over, but before either of you say hello, you’ve already got an endless amount of things you secretly want to say and an equally lengthy list of questions you wish you could ask.
What affection the two of you once shared was absolutely beautiful, consequently rendering any unanticipated meetings thereafter twice as awkward. But as everyone always reminded you, life has a way of operating, God has a mysterious way of working, and sometimes things change without a moment’s warning. Even after it was all said and done, it’s still hard to imagine how things could’ve ever evolved from “always” to “never” in what seemed like a single dramatic heartbeat.
Months and months later, you run into this particular person unexpectedly and the realization hits you like a brick wall. The pain is still there. It’s almost as painful as the night you said goodbye. Enough time has passed to con you into thinking you’ve begun to heal, and of course you probably have, but then you see this person and suddenly those old familiar aches begin to hurt all over again. You were finally beginning to mend after what happened, the relationship withered and ended, however dramatically, but the moment you lock eyes with this person you once shared so many dreams with, your stomach turns and a bitter taste fills your mouth. You can barely breathe. Half of you aches for things to be the way they once were, the other half longs to forget the whole thing ever happened. Regardless of your role in the conclusion of the relationship, it left you shattered and bringing it up after all this time would only pour another dose of potent heartbreak for both of you.
So there you are, standing face-to-face, unsure of what to say aside from the typical small talk jabber. A myriad of emotions swirl through both your heads but they only make former lovers more confused. Maybe you hug an awkward I-haven’t-seen-you-in-forever gesture, but that familiar mixed scent of perfume and cologne makes it even more impossible to know how to act, brief as the impending conversation inevitably will be. You just can’t stop thinking “things will never be the way they used to be” and that’s what hurts most. You both know where your identities lie, Who ultimately claims your hearts and where your fortresses are… and those things are truly what matter most, but this unforeseen meeting is still severely painful and there’s no denying that. It keeps you both awake for nights.
As healing as it is, you can only drive around at night listening to The Swiss Army Romance so many times.
This is me being honest. I tossed and turned a lot last week. I thought about someone so much it was unhealthy.
So here’s hoping I fall asleep easier tonight if I send a simple message out into the void:
Girl,
I still care about you. I think about you all the time. I’m praying for you constantly. I want so badly to know you’re being taken care of. I wish you the best in life, not because you’ll surely find it, but because you deserve it. You deserve so much.
I just wish you knew how much I miss you.
Adam
from owl city.
That’s how you feel when you run into a significant other you haven’t seen in a long time. A bitter avalanche of icy memories plows into your chest at breakneck speed, stealing the very breath from your lungs. Gasping for air, there’s really no use fighting it; the blow is instantaneous and it’s overpowering. Your eyes land on this person, your heart immediately stops dead, your knees go weak and you internally panic. You force yourself to walk over, but before either of you say hello, you’ve already got an endless amount of things you secretly want to say and an equally lengthy list of questions you wish you could ask.
What affection the two of you once shared was absolutely beautiful, consequently rendering any unanticipated meetings thereafter twice as awkward. But as everyone always reminded you, life has a way of operating, God has a mysterious way of working, and sometimes things change without a moment’s warning. Even after it was all said and done, it’s still hard to imagine how things could’ve ever evolved from “always” to “never” in what seemed like a single dramatic heartbeat.
Months and months later, you run into this particular person unexpectedly and the realization hits you like a brick wall. The pain is still there. It’s almost as painful as the night you said goodbye. Enough time has passed to con you into thinking you’ve begun to heal, and of course you probably have, but then you see this person and suddenly those old familiar aches begin to hurt all over again. You were finally beginning to mend after what happened, the relationship withered and ended, however dramatically, but the moment you lock eyes with this person you once shared so many dreams with, your stomach turns and a bitter taste fills your mouth. You can barely breathe. Half of you aches for things to be the way they once were, the other half longs to forget the whole thing ever happened. Regardless of your role in the conclusion of the relationship, it left you shattered and bringing it up after all this time would only pour another dose of potent heartbreak for both of you.
So there you are, standing face-to-face, unsure of what to say aside from the typical small talk jabber. A myriad of emotions swirl through both your heads but they only make former lovers more confused. Maybe you hug an awkward I-haven’t-seen-you-in-forever gesture, but that familiar mixed scent of perfume and cologne makes it even more impossible to know how to act, brief as the impending conversation inevitably will be. You just can’t stop thinking “things will never be the way they used to be” and that’s what hurts most. You both know where your identities lie, Who ultimately claims your hearts and where your fortresses are… and those things are truly what matter most, but this unforeseen meeting is still severely painful and there’s no denying that. It keeps you both awake for nights.
As healing as it is, you can only drive around at night listening to The Swiss Army Romance so many times.
This is me being honest. I tossed and turned a lot last week. I thought about someone so much it was unhealthy.
So here’s hoping I fall asleep easier tonight if I send a simple message out into the void:
Girl,
I still care about you. I think about you all the time. I’m praying for you constantly. I want so badly to know you’re being taken care of. I wish you the best in life, not because you’ll surely find it, but because you deserve it. You deserve so much.
I just wish you knew how much I miss you.
Adam
from owl city.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
day 12
dear __________,
sometimes i catch a wayward glance and i ask, "what?" you just shake your head. sometimes you catch me staring off into space and you ask, "what?" i smile and say "nothing."
i'm so accustomed to the person you are now that it takes me a considerable amount of effort to remember the person you were. when you grow up with someone, your relationship evolves on such a micro level that you don't realize anything has changed. until, occasionally, something--a song on the radio, a waft of cologne--triggers a memory, and you see it.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to not know you anymore. would i ever think about you? would i still miss you? would it still hurt to hear your name? would i be remembering it all wrong?
i'm happy i know you as we are now. because i feel nothing. because once upon a time, i felt a whole lot worse than nothing, and i really didn't know if i was ever going to recover.
and now, when i don't think i'm ever going to recover from this chronic sadness, i might pull up that song from the radio, remember that i healed, and know that i can heal again.
thank you, because i couldn't know that without you.
love,
me.
sometimes i catch a wayward glance and i ask, "what?" you just shake your head. sometimes you catch me staring off into space and you ask, "what?" i smile and say "nothing."
i'm so accustomed to the person you are now that it takes me a considerable amount of effort to remember the person you were. when you grow up with someone, your relationship evolves on such a micro level that you don't realize anything has changed. until, occasionally, something--a song on the radio, a waft of cologne--triggers a memory, and you see it.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to not know you anymore. would i ever think about you? would i still miss you? would it still hurt to hear your name? would i be remembering it all wrong?
i'm happy i know you as we are now. because i feel nothing. because once upon a time, i felt a whole lot worse than nothing, and i really didn't know if i was ever going to recover.
and now, when i don't think i'm ever going to recover from this chronic sadness, i might pull up that song from the radio, remember that i healed, and know that i can heal again.
thank you, because i couldn't know that without you.
love,
me.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
while we're being honest
just returned from seven weeks of traveling, the longest i've spent on the road so far. and it's been really hard to adjust back into normal life (whatever that even means for me). i'm really not satisfied with the same routine anymore. it's good, though, because i'm consistently questioning myself why i do certain things, and making sure i only make priorities of the things i really care about. it sounds so cliche but it is SO easy to get distracted by daily life, and we start to forget about the things we're really passionate about.
so i decided i'm committed to doing more of:
-writing/journaling
-spending time outdoors
-taking valuable but inconvenient opportunities
-meeting people who are different from me
-spending time with people i really care about
-reading
less of:
-social networking
-going back to places i'm familiar with
-random/purposeless hangouts
when i get in these moods, i always like to pull out the journals from the shelves (or out of the archives) and read them. and unexpectedly some of the entries actually made me tear up. i've always said that forgetting is one of our most important defense mechanisms, and i can really see how it's true. if it hadn't been immortalized in writing, i'd have forgotten that the feeling of heartache isn't new to me.
one thing that hit me was that i was SO much more introverted before. and as such, a lot more in tune with my own feelings. i thought being more extroverted made me happier, but i just realized that i've been treating people like a drug. i thought being alone made me tired, but i think it just forces me to face this deep sadness that i still have over things that happened years ago. i can forget about that when i'm with people. i don't know what to do with that revelation. not sure i would trade ignorant bliss for self-awareness.
so i decided i'm committed to doing more of:
-writing/journaling
-spending time outdoors
-taking valuable but inconvenient opportunities
-meeting people who are different from me
-spending time with people i really care about
-reading
less of:
-social networking
-going back to places i'm familiar with
-random/purposeless hangouts
when i get in these moods, i always like to pull out the journals from the shelves (or out of the archives) and read them. and unexpectedly some of the entries actually made me tear up. i've always said that forgetting is one of our most important defense mechanisms, and i can really see how it's true. if it hadn't been immortalized in writing, i'd have forgotten that the feeling of heartache isn't new to me.
one thing that hit me was that i was SO much more introverted before. and as such, a lot more in tune with my own feelings. i thought being more extroverted made me happier, but i just realized that i've been treating people like a drug. i thought being alone made me tired, but i think it just forces me to face this deep sadness that i still have over things that happened years ago. i can forget about that when i'm with people. i don't know what to do with that revelation. not sure i would trade ignorant bliss for self-awareness.
Friday, October 08, 2010
remembering the sound
remembering the sound of your voice is difficult. it's like remembering a dream after it's long over--i'm not really sure if i'm remembering it correctly, or if i'm giving it attributes of my own, trying to piece it together from patches of memories.
and so, hearing it for real. is an indescribable sensation. something like falling back into a dream i had as a child, and knowing that entire dream world like the back of my hand, even though it's been years. it's a shock, at first, and then it's as familiar and intimate as the shirt i sleep in.
your genuine laughter, your gentle assurance, the way you think out loud, the way you speak so softly sometimes i have to be in silence to hear you over the line. the distance between us is great but you cross that chasm easily with your voice. and you don't even know it.
and so, hearing it for real. is an indescribable sensation. something like falling back into a dream i had as a child, and knowing that entire dream world like the back of my hand, even though it's been years. it's a shock, at first, and then it's as familiar and intimate as the shirt i sleep in.
your genuine laughter, your gentle assurance, the way you think out loud, the way you speak so softly sometimes i have to be in silence to hear you over the line. the distance between us is great but you cross that chasm easily with your voice. and you don't even know it.
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