sometimes i wonder. can you be truly happy if you don't get something you want? i don't mean that new sweater or latest apple gadget, or even that job you've slaved for. i mean something that could complete you, that could make you never want anything again. if that thing slipped away from you forever, could you be whole? content? happy?

i lost something really precious to me this year. for years past i knew the day would come but i hadn't really imagined how i'd continue afterwards. they don't really show you that part in movies, do they? and it seemed like no matter what wonderful things came into my life (and they absolutely did), i could only be 99% happy. as in, if someone were to ask me if i was happy, i'd feel like a cheater if i said 'yes.'

then at some point recently it came to me that i had been viewing happiness as a flat line. as if it were something achievable, that i could reach if i could just have this or that, if i could fix every conflict i had with everyone, if i could be beautiful and smart and kind. and once i reach it, i'll just cruise along in my happy state and nothing will ever break my heart again. but that will never happen. ever. i don't think it has for anyone in history.

losing this part of my life left a huge hole in my heart. i'd never really considered how it would feel to never be able to go back to the way it was. some nights i just lie there feeling empty. sometimes i cry. a lot.

but... then something incredible happens. the sun comes up, and it's usually a beautiful southern california day. i wake up. last night's tears are gone, and instead i feel peace. maybe even a little hope.

it all comes in waves. the good and bad, happy and sad, days and nights, and if this hole is ever filled there might be another one somewhere else. the only thing to do is to ride it out and hope for a better tomorrow.