last night i woke up from a dream. in it, i was doing something mundane when you suddenly showed up, quietly and unhurried like it was a place where you belonged. our exchange was brief, but i was left deeply affected.

afterwards, i woke up in tears. it was odd, because it's not as if i've never cried in dreams before. but the line between reality and dream was so blurred this time that after i woke up, i continued to cry. as i slowly came to, everything started to become clear--my sense of time, of orientation, of reality. it calmed me at first, but then scared me, realizing that you still have such a hold on me, in a way that even traverses consciousness.

in the quiet early dawn, i think of some of my favorite conversations with you. i remember how long it's been since i've heard your voice. suddenly the thought of no longer knowing you is so unbearable that part of me wants to return to sleep just to be in a place where we could speak again, even in a manner as cursory as it was in my dream. i just want it to be ordinary again, between you and i.

as the years go by, i realize more and more that the cost of loving you was far too high. and it is going to take a very, very long time for it to be repaid.