i think you'd like my new hair
i cut it when you weren't there
that pieces of us everywhere
were falling down

my bed is now a girl's bed
pink flowers under my head
and pillows on your side instead
of you

cause that's what single girls do
don't think about you

i'm reading books on meditation
praying for my heart's salvation
i've got the motivation
to be a free girl now

i've gone drinking with the guy down the hall
put up a new color on my bare walls
i'm so damn busy
after all

i keep trying
keep trying
to make my way back to the light where i belong
but god keeps lying
saying this is for the best and nothing here is wrong

but i'm still thinking about you

i think you'd like my new hair
i cut it like i didn't care
that pieces of me everywhere
were falling down

one more glass of wine
before i turn off the lights
this time i'll be fine
i'll be fine

i watch your pretty life play out in pictures from afar

and i used to think that tied me to you in some sad, pathetic way. an invisible, whisper-thin string that i alone had the power, but not the will, to cut.

i held onto that delicate knot as tightly as i could, like a kid who's way too old for a security blanket, til it stretched and frayed. if i was honest with myself i knew you were drifting farther and farther away from me but i told myself that whatever connection we had was enough. i hung everything on it, trusting blindly that it would hold when i really knew it never did.

well, we both know it was never meant to handle the weight i gave it. i had no choice but to let go. i couldn't watch as the invisible tie between us began to unravel. i looked elsewhere for comfort, for a distraction, for anything to make it hurt less.

and surprisingly, it did. i poked at the wound to see if it still hurt. it was a little sadistic but i pressed hard, to see if there was some ounce of feeling left, some bruising left. but all i felt... was numb. detached.

the days feel lighter and tomorrow's possibilities seem endless. it feels free, almost like it never even happened, but somewhere inside me, i know a price was paid. to be honest, the other night i woke up from an old dream missing you with such crushing force that it hurt to breathe.

i still think of you as the most incredible, special person i have ever and might ever come across, who gave me a chance at friendship, as perfectly ordinary as i am. but the invisible string is gone forever, and i will be happy for you wherever you are in the world.

and i will be happy for me wherever i am in the world.

city lights are flickering on as the sky turns dark outside. people are scurrying about in their winter coats, trying to get home for dinner. i'm watching from a window seat in a cafe, the lights inside warm and yellow and welcoming. pen and paper and coffee and the clinking of spoons -- it's exactly as charming as it seems.

at home i often dream about moments like this. moments of total contentment in solitude. it's a strange feeling, living the moment you often dream about.

i am a

sucker for a charming smile. the kind that is sweet and a little knowing, as if you're the only ones in on some unspoken secret. the kind that completely disarms you and makes you totally forget about being professional and and smart and... oh. you made me lose my train of thought.

yes, i still do.