There were more unrequited crushes throughout my 20s and (hard to admit it) even into my 30s. The guy with a girlfriend, the work-a-holic, the angry poet. I was the best unrequited lover out there. I had become a pro at it. I told myself that love is painful and I must endure that pain. Even if that meant never betraying my true feelings, always keeping them to myself, loving cautiously from afar, keeping careful records in private places, or denying myself. Although I had real boyfriends, from time to time, the unrequited ones were better. They were perfect in my mind. They never hurt me, I only hurt myself and I liked it better that way.

When I fell into my final unrequited love affair, it felt like a dirty secret. I had always been able to compartmentalize my amorous inclinations, but things were different this time. I was way over writing about him in my journal or thinking about him only at bed time. I wanted him to, gasp, love me back. That’s when I cut off contact with him. He wanted to be friends, but I declined. I don’t need that kind of friend.

I realized that unrequited love was my favorite form of self-punishment, one that I had grown familiar with. When I finally felt I deserved to love and be loved in return, the childish habit had lost its dramatic cache. While it’s masochistic to long for something I think I’ll never have, it’s awfully safe. It’s scary to put myself in a situation where real love is possible with someone and in turn, real heartbreak, but I’ve decided the risk is worth it for the chance to let him love me back.

the sparkling brilliance of new york city, the woodsy, misty air of seattle, the pulsing electricity of hong kong... they will have just one thing in common, and that is that you don't, you won't, exist in those worlds.

i don't see you anymore. i don't know where you are or what you are doing. but i do know that memories of you remain in the people and places around me. and as long as that's true, the imprint of you will stay with me.

this year i'm going to say goodbye to southern california and home as i know it, for some time. i don't know when. i don't know where i'm going. but i need a place to call mine that you haven't touched. streets and houses and friends and lovers that bear no inkling of your presence.

you always believed in me, always told me that staying here wouldn't be enough for me, that i would do bigger and better things. you'll likely never know that you are the reason i had to.

i want to wish you well
i didn't watch you go
because i suppose i don't know how
i will remember you
not the way you left but how you lived
and what you knew

i want to feel your hands
i want to feel your fire burning
right from where i stand

i'll find my way
because you showed me how

i want to know it's you
when i hear your voice inside my head
inside my room
i want to touch the sky
i want to see the stars twinkle
like they were your eyes

i want to smell your scent
i want to breathe the air i did
before you left

i want to wish you well
the only reason my heart beats
is because you showed it how

katie herzig.

sometimes i wonder. can you be truly happy if you don't get something you want? i don't mean that new sweater or latest apple gadget, or even that job you've slaved for. i mean something that could complete you, that could make you never want anything again. if that thing slipped away from you forever, could you be whole? content? happy?

i lost something really precious to me this year. for years past i knew the day would come but i hadn't really imagined how i'd continue afterwards. they don't really show you that part in movies, do they? and it seemed like no matter what wonderful things came into my life (and they absolutely did), i could only be 99% happy. as in, if someone were to ask me if i was happy, i'd feel like a cheater if i said 'yes.'

then at some point recently it came to me that i had been viewing happiness as a flat line. as if it were something achievable, that i could reach if i could just have this or that, if i could fix every conflict i had with everyone, if i could be beautiful and smart and kind. and once i reach it, i'll just cruise along in my happy state and nothing will ever break my heart again. but that will never happen. ever. i don't think it has for anyone in history.

losing this part of my life left a huge hole in my heart. i'd never really considered how it would feel to never be able to go back to the way it was. some nights i just lie there feeling empty. sometimes i cry. a lot.

but... then something incredible happens. the sun comes up, and it's usually a beautiful southern california day. i wake up. last night's tears are gone, and instead i feel peace. maybe even a little hope.

it all comes in waves. the good and bad, happy and sad, days and nights, and if this hole is ever filled there might be another one somewhere else. the only thing to do is to ride it out and hope for a better tomorrow.

no one in the history of my life has ever been more wrong for me
and no one has been able to make me forget like you can